Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
