she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
