He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
