So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Someone signed my nipple.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
