One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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