Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
