obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
