Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Boobs are out for the taking
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
