i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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