it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
