Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
