watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
