He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
