I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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