you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
