I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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