you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
