Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Are we still banned from the library?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
