I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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