apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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