Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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