I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
