"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
my being single is dangerous.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
