This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
