I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
