Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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