my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
