I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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