somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i was born a porn star she said
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
