I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
