We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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