you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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