my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
not ubering you a puppy
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