I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
