too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
