Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
