What did we do last night that was yellow?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
