just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
