I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
