I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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