I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
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