be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
