I smell stomach acid.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
