If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Randomize
