i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize