you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
