why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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