Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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