on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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