If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
