I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
