You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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