when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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