you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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