i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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