Taylor Swift is so right about you.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
