so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize