If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
you had me at cake vodka
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
