I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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