why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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