my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
